im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
