I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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