Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
