Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
