you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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