I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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