How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
