Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
