Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize