Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
