i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize