dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
