I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
