some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
