no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
