I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
