Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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