i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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