I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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