That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize