: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize