Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
