so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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