Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
