its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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