can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
