is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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