i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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