what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
