I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
