Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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