i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I touched a dick in church today
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
