apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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