I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize