ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
