allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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