omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Rumble strips road head = magical
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
