chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
