my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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