Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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