She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
