im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
