so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
