He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh god it's open bar.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
