You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
