my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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