You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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