Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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