the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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