Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
