i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
