I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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