I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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