No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
as a side note pls kill me
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
