i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
