I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
