Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
